How do I ultimately feel about psychic stuff?  What is the final verdict?

I’m all for it.  A lot of people in the general public arena tend to express concern and disapproval at getting involved with all this psychic business.  In addition, supposedly if one gives money to a psychic or a cult, this is a definite sign of something extremely worrisome, cause for great concern, enough to call the cops on; this is institutionalizable.  They might be afraid that I wasted so much money on a psychic.

Oh, yeah?  Well, let me ask you this.  Do you give money to your church?  I bet you do all the time.  Or if that’s not your poison, then do you give money to your mosque?   Or to your synagogue?  I am sure you do.  In addition, there are several establishments that advertise themselves to the public as being “good Christian investment firms.”  There are also “good Christian bankers” and “good Christian payday loan advance” places.  There are facilities that market themselves as being good “Muslim investment firms.”  Apparently their brand of taking your money and gambling with it is “halal” as opposed to all the others’ “haram.”  So supposedly there exist such things as good moral investment brokers and bankers and money managers that are blessed by your chosen deity.  As well as the clear implication of the possible existence of a good moral stock market blessed by your chosen deity.

We really don’t see a whole lot of establishments that hawk themselves as being “Jewish investment firms.”  I think it’s because Judaism has been around a lot longer than those other two.  They have had time to work out all the bugs, they have had time to evolve.  They know what works and what doesn’t.

Oh wait.  Goldman Sachs, Lehman Bros, Bernie Madoff, those are all Jewish investment systems.  All those ones that ran our country bankrupt into the ground, and everyone is now unemployed, jobless, no social security, no 401K’s, no putting a little away for the future.  So haha never mind.  Yeah, you want to insult my beliefs as being kooky off-kilter?  I’ll throw yours right back in your face.

You must ask yourself this.  Are you afraid that all this psychic stuff is not true?  Or are you afraid that it is?

•One of the very first things I remember was that I found the damn diamond engagement ring.  Technically my sibling found it.  In Thanksgiving 2006.
The marriage dissolving/disintegrating– well, that sure came true.  And yeah sure, that is what I wanted, and I am sincerely glad all that crap is done and over with.  But– it is exhausting and mildly infuriating to me that the marriage had to happen at all.  That I had to be dragged through the 3hi++y disgusting-state court system, draining a large quantity of my sanity.  AAAND we wasted exactly ten thousand seven hundred fifty dollars.  In actuality, it was much more money than that.  Ten thousand seven hundred dollars was what we (vast majority of that was from my Mom) spent on just the divorce lawyers alone.  We also spent twenty-five thousand dollars on a stupid wedding reception at a Sheraton hotel in the grand ballroom.  That was in May of 2007, almost a year after the initial marriage vows ceremony.  I think it was May 26, I don’t recall the exact date, but it was definitely in May 2007.  Whereas the initial marriage vows ceremony was on September 9, 2006.
(Even though I was adamant to my parents, I insisted that they not throw the big huge hotel ballroom party.  I’m sure you can understand my reasoning:  taking place all the way in the following year, mid-year not even the beginning of the year so that it at least could have been a little closer to the initial marriage ceremony, not even the same calendar year, and wasting all that money.  Really what the hell was the point?  The novelty of it being a new bride and groom was over; and it was an immense amount of money being basically wasted.  And the Sheraton hotel was exceedingly uncooperative and pain-in-the-a$$-ish throughout the whole entire process– up to, during, and after the reception party.  The hotel people were apathetic, they were exceedingly lazy with the food service and the dinnerware service.  ((How the hell do you not put out forks for guests to eat appetizers with??  And how the hell do you not put out enough pastry pocket APPETIZERS for guests to eat appetizers with??  Because of all that nefarious uncoordinated mess, I truly feel that the hotel should refund most of my family’s money back to us.))  But no, my parents absolutely insisted, they were so crazed and insistent to throw a goddamn wedding reception for the purpose of, in their words, “We have to feed everybody, all our friends.”  That’s right — the meaning you inferred from that is correct:  the reason that they wanted to waste half a year’s salary on a party that was weirdly after the fact, is so that they could impress our family friends.

I dunno, did anything good come out of it at all?  I learned to finally live on my own.  It ain’t that hard.  I learned to cook, I learned to pay rent, I learned to pay utilities and bills.
•The student loans.
•The twelve thousand dollars.  Until this day, today 1/2/2011, I did not realize that we had been getting back all this Summer Bay Resorts money back all along.  **Many of the money things– in an unbelievably roundabout way, not in a direct straightforward way at all.  And whaddya know, I asked for this money to be taken out of one of those fatcat embezzling CEO’s pockets, and that came true.  It’s from the govmit, which I hope took it from lehman bros, bear stearns, AIG, one of dem.  We’ve been getting our money back in the form of unemployment insurance checks, which I hope that when you calculate how it trickles down and stuff, it works out to be taken back from Summer Bay Resorts.
•the hospital laboratory assistant job
•some great ideas inspiration for my Indian wedding guide… but unfortunately I think I might no longer be able to get it published.
•the MLT certification
•hmm… what about the college degree in biology stuff?  That did work out sort of, and remember when Lunda Merks had said to you, “you couldn’t even imagine.”  Meaning that I would get all I want and more.  So… what I had asked Lunda Merks for was a four-year degree from Major 4-Year University Nearby.  I requested this simply because geographically this made sense.  That’s it.  I could geographically be enrolled in school there while simultaneously working at the hospital because they are both in Big Nearby City.  And also I could continue living at home with my parents.  Academically, I was not really crazy about Major 4-Year University Nearby– it was all a matter of convenience.  I didn’t even really see the distinct major I wanted.  I convinced myself that Maj 4yr Uni was fine and that I could make up a new pretend cumbersomely-named major — Microbiology, with Molecular & Cell Biology/Physiology Concentration; Biochemistry Minor.  But now even better than that– what did you originally truly want?  Getting back to your roots.  I had truly wanted a degree in Biochemistry from Big-University-that’s-Known-More-For-Athletics-than-Academics-But-Academically-is-Truly-an-Excellent-School.  That’s what I had wanted when I had applied but got rejected from BUtKMFAtABAiTaES in summer 2001, and it’s what I truly wanted now when I asked Lunda Merks for my wishes.
•In a way, I did get car insurance for free.  Not having to pay that extraneous $500 for being able to be an uninsured Lower State driver.  But still being able to get car insurance permanently practically for free.  That is a pretty sweet deal.
•oh, and, really weird, those two car accidents, first in August 2005 which was the other driver’s fault and second in January 2006 which was my fault, seem to have been purged/expunged from my records.  Strangest thing.
•_Some_ of my clothes came true, not all.  Alas, that beloved, forsaking-me red and gold skirt, never to be heard from again.  But I did find two terrific pairs of jeans.  They are perfect.  I found a replacement chocolate paisley corduroy jacket.  I found an angora rabbit hair lambswool pale-peachish sweater, it is lovely, similar enough or at least modify-able to become the anthropologie sweater.  And I found several excellent clothing ideas, in which I can recycle and turn old very-good-condition salwar kameezes into new vibrant clothes.  The shoes — I don’t need it.  I found excellent better shoes.

hmmm… ??????
•the possible blogging scholarship
•the possible post-Bacc research internship NIH

——
What has _not_ come true to my deep regret and remorse
•*All those wonderful little things, souvenirs and curios, that held such sentimental value to me and comforted me with cozy blanketing warm nostalgia.

————————————————–
————————————————–
/ $268
12312009
5

01312010
4

02282010
4

03312010
5

/ $953

04302010
4

05312010
4

06302010
3

••Total $8725

07312010
/0

08312010
/0

09302010
/0

10312010
/0

11302010
/ $596
/ $1192
/ $298

/ $298
12312010
3
/ $273

••Total $3253
••Year-to-Date Totals $11,978

/ $273
01-29-2011
4

/ $273
02-28-2011
6

/ $273
Mar 2011
5

Apr 2011

/$1202

••Total $5,297
••Totals to this point $17,275

/ $273
May 2011
3

••Total $819

••Cumulative Totals $18,094

Ermm, I think that’s jeeest about your student loans.  I think that about covers it.
18,094
-  12,000
=   6,094

500, 750, 950 = 2200
—————-
12:33 AM 5/4/2011
•I found out within the last couple of months that I will, kind of sort of, be able to write my articles, all my essays that offer commentary on social phenomena and popular culture.  And most importantly, in a weird way I _will_ be able to put my timestamp insofar as the time period in which I truly did notice and critique these social trends in my own notes and journals.  Because Majah-blogs has an adjustable timestamp feature.  It’s the strangest thing.  I’ve never seen anything like this on any blogosphere or commentary section on amazon.com or any other “open comments” section on a website, ever before ever ever.  It’s kinda cool, it’s like changing the space-time continuum to whatever you see fit, hehe.  Bending reality to your will.
•I have found out that there is in fact a station for getting credit for that National Institutes of Health post-Baccalaureate internship right here in good ol’ Quadrilateral.  Right here in Upper State, so that’s excellent, it serves my purpose perfectly.  Of establishing residency in Upper State so that I can attend medical school as an in-state student.
That had really been worrying me because I thought I would have to go to Washington DC at this early date, and that does not at all fit in my timeline of events that I have planned out.  I had not planned to go to D.C. until I made my permanent move there to settle down there for good.  And that would be AFTER I had finished all my medical school and possibly also after my residency/internship.
•Also, I found out that there is no time limit to apply.  Or no deadline, rather.  The internship program of service can begin and end at any time during the calendar year.  It is round-the-clock, year-round program that can start at any time.  It says so on the NIH webpage for the post-Bacc program info.
——-
Oh, this all reminds me.  Remember when I was in fourth grade or circa that time, I had wished for my birthday wish for a magical necklace.  A heart-shaped jewel of my birthstone, the sapphire.  And that every time I held the sapphire in my hands and squeezed it, my wishes would come true.  And I would make this wish, the commencement wish, on my birthday, a wish from God, and I wanted God to give me some sort of sign that this wish would come true, at my birthday.  The sign was that a flash of light or shine, like a stylized lightning bolt, would flash and cross my birthday cake at sixty miles per hour.  And I would watch for this sign, and this sign would indicate that my wish had come true or was on its way to coming true very soon.  Well, it’s been a long time coming but hopefully God-willing my wishes are finally coming true.

Well, only just half of the saga/story.
Last year the magic and the whole forced wedding thing, that is one part, that is all I consider to be one part. Then, the whole year following that, which I thought the marriage was going wonderfully and was truly and freely a success, that is another part. That is what everything that I have written down thus.

But now, the whole marriage is unraveling and falling plummeting down the spiral. That is now another part of the story.  And, I have to work through all these feelings that have been blocked, or piled upon, or slattered on.  I have to work to regrow my soul and my ability to have instincts.  They are now broken and damaged and shattered. but unfortunately also now, amidst all this, & perhaps as a way of not falling apart, no no that’s not it, as a way of making an excuse and not wanting the life to change even worse, not wanting any more unwanted occurrences or events to happen, that is why perhaps whatever ability of feelings I have, I am sometimes thinking, when I am too quiet and have too much time to myself to think quietly to myself and reach into my memory a bit, I remember some of the sweet often fun times that we had, and I feel that I miss him so much, I love him so much.  But not always I feel like that now.  Sometimes the memory is stronger that the way he acted at thanksgiving, screaming at me & screaming at my Mo. actually that one is not so stronger in memory now either. now I remember the changing the locks on the apartment door, the he went to a friend’s house and said, no I can’t let you come in the apartment, you have to stay somewhere else, if you try to break in, i’ll call the cops.  Earlier, the thing with the fight, and he said “you f yourself up.” I was furious about that for the longest time, but by now quite frankly I am over it.
Of claiming my own feelings.
So truly it is only half.

I seriously and truly need a purge of all my feelings which I have had over the past year. I have gone through so much psychological torture, psychological trauma over this past year.  Year and a half, more accurately.
please make me pour out all of my feelings onto the table, please help me purge and upchuck vomit all those feelings out, like if you have food poisoning you need to throw up to get it out of your system, that is your system’s way of rejecting bad things toxins that might corrupt the system.
I need also to get over this thing that I feel that I love him so much.  That even after all the reasonable, level-headed, sensible evidence that is obvious he is very bad, that for some reason I still feel that I love him so much because once in a while I remember the sweet little emails he would send me.  Or sometimes I would remember the little vestiges, the little elements and remnants articles and details of our relationship, like I found the very first grocery shopping list we made together.  That was when I visited DS first time back in last Sep-Oct 10day visit.  We threw a party, actually he decided it would be good idea to throw a party for everyone (now I had a moment of clarity on this flashback — he did that so his brothers could have an invited-over served free meal.)  I also found the map I had printed out when I had first moved to Disgusting State, a map of the local in-town area, so that I could find the grocery stores, the roads, the dollar stores, so that I could find wal-mart, so that I could learn the town and familiarize myself around town on my own.  The map has all sorts of little notes, directions how to get to dollar stores and wal-mart.  Also, I was looking for an aldi so I could grocery shop cheaply affordably.  anyway, I got so sad because I was thinking, we had a beautiful thing for at  least some time there, at the beginning of our relationship all last year, the beginning of this year, it was going wonderfully well until his parents showed up.  So I know what the definition of sad is — something that is good and sweet and kind and beautiful, and you cannot have it anymore.

Just now I remembered the second time we met in July of last year, with just Bkuw and his even more socially awkward friend.  And I remember thinking, well, he’s not so bad.  And he’s not bad looking.  And for one vague little short while I thought, well he’s not so bad, he couldn’t be that bad, how bad could he be.  But I was still 100% convinced that they (everyone on his side) were using magic to make it all happen and that that was the only reason I was starting to un-dislike him.  So I thought, no, hold your guns, dig your feet into the ground, be rock solid, do not be moved, because I did not want to be affected by their magic.  because I knew that they were using magic, and the only reason I was feeling not-completely-repulsed by him now was that they were using magic and the magic was starting to take effect on me, so I had to hold on to my guns and not be so easily swayed.  But then when Madre inexplicably gave the two of us “private time” to just talk to each other, I was irritated and repulsed.  So it was like a much-needed return to my good senses, it was back to normal sane reality and perception of space-time.  He was yammering and chattering on and on and on.  It mostly still sounded like nervous chatter covering up nervousness.  because the minute you start think, oh they’re not using magic, they’re good people, that is when the magic is working; or the minute you think, oh he’s not such a bad guy I don’t know why I was so worried about them using magic, but if that is what’s happening, okay fine.  Actually what I thought was this: “he’s not such a bad guy after all, and I am less convinced now that they are using magic.  But this is still not going to go anywhere.  Nothing is going to happen here.  Magic or no, you don’t marry someone whom you’re not even interested in.”

Actually, wait, now I remember.  I suspected their magic use as early as the first meeting in March of last year 06.  My suspicions grew steadily after that.  At the 2nd meeting in July, I guess my ability to resist magic faded a bit because that’s when I was thinking, oh he’s not so bad.  But by the end of the meeting, I had convinced myself that the magic was still pouncing and forcing its way, and I was still grumpy.  Oh and as the wedding talks progressed furiously during that summer, it was full-blown head-on magic, that much was obvious to me, and my mind was screaming it.

I think that, hmm, before we were married, and indeed, even while we were becoming married, that was the one time I was not repulsed and revolted by im.  And you know… even now as I write this, I remember the orig wedding and the first visit to DS, he was acting so nice and good and understanding of the situation. I was repulsed and made excuses as much as I could not to sleep in the bed with, but he didn’t push the issue or force at all.  He was so sweet and kind and good.  Oh great. Now I miss him, and I feel that I love him.  A lot.

You know I wonder.  Is this all my whole feeling brought on only because we lived together and were together starting with that for a week1/2 after the wedding?  Is that it?  Simply because we lived together for a while, therefore it was inevitable I developed feelings for him.  because we were in such close proximity.  And once you develop feelings for someone because you live together in such close quarters, it is impossible to let go of those feelings.

See this is what I’m talking about.  I have gone through so much psychological torture this year, one and1/2 year, forcing to go to extremes of the degree of complexity psychology chart.  I was forced against my will to enter into a marriage that I was protesting and screaming no to, every instinct every cell in my body was screaming no. then somehow because of the situation because of circumstances I was forced to fall in love with him.  Then now, after the fn magic is working, he is being ripped away from me, being torn away from me.  After I’ve been forced to fall in love and have feelings for this other human being and not only that but we made a commitment to each other, you know?  I have grown and matured at least somewhat and I know that value of a commitment, you have to cherish and honor that.  I thought, it doesn’t matter anymore how we were a forced marriage, the fact is it happened, we’re married now, we’re a married couple, we made a commitment to each other, we have to honor that commitment.  So I feel that I love him, and in addition to that I’ve finally grown up.  And now the magic is deciding to working.  dg.  So my instincts are broken shattered, but I feel love.  ((Only when instincts are intact and you have a whole soul should you be able to feel love.))  And it shouldn’t matter how we fell in love, was it forced maybe, maybe not, is it stockholm syndrome falling in love with the captor, you know it doesn’t matter anymore, the fact is it happened.  So we fell in love and we made a commitment so we have to honor it and we have to stay together.

However.  What if, because of the things I said right there, because of the way we were put together, the forced marriage against all instincts, the inexplicably fell in love — because of that, is why my soul is not whole anymore now.  because before the whole changed the locks, not letting into apartment, call the cops if I break in, before all that, I knew I was wrestling with something big, too big of a decision.  I kinda figured it out that if I stay with bkuw, my soul will not be a true and complete soul.  But he was a very nice person, (or at least seemed like a very good person), and I loved him, nay, love him.  It is not the agape, true soul uplifting peace engulfing of the soul, but it is the next before step — of loving someone.  I loved him, and he was a good person, and we made the commitment, and I want to stay together.   So, in essence, I have to choose between him, or myself.

So what I need is that my ability to have instincts be repaired so that I may have that, and be able to trust it again.  My instincts, my soul, have been taken away from me.  My soul, because I feel blank, empty, hollow like the hollow look when someone has cried so much and has not eaten anything nourishing in a while, that hollowness. I do not have the deep profound level of the soul, level of the being.  Which, even though when I had depression, it was in fact that level that was depressed.  Anyway the thing is, this profound inner core of the soul (a concept reserved for higher creatures, more evolved beings) is yet inextricably linked to instincts.  It must be.  I don’t see any other way.  Please do not get them confused with e/o.  Instinct is basal instinct, very helpful when you see someone suspicious that looks like a killer criminal.  Or if you instinctively react when trying to pull someone out of harm’s way, save someone’s life.  Whereas the core of the soul is.  okay, when you are genuinely, upliftingly happy, what would truly engulf you, send you awash bathed in cool & warm light, and you are not just temporarily happy because something good happened to you, you are genuinely happy because you know that your soul is at peace and you know that things will generally be good from now on, not because only good things will happen to you, but because you will know how to handle them and you will not become depressed because of it.  Do not confuse this with a mental sugar rush.  It is emotional and almost even visceral, in a good way, whenever this core of the soul is truly happy and it lets itself out and be known once in a while.  My instincts unfortunately, have been damaged shattered smashed and broken.  The falling in love with bkuw was good, but that has nothing to do with instinct.  So it did not repair my instinct.  This whole entire year1/2, there has been nothing done to repair my instincts.  And as if that weren’t bad enough, this absence of instinct has slowly eroded away my soul, from the inside out.  I am only vaguely aware of guilt from acting bad towards my family, only vaguely aware of speaking up for myself at work; only vaguely aware that I do things to avert those feelings, which I try to avoid by always trying to do the right thing, speaking up at work, always, always recently being respectful, nice, nice, nice, and patient with my family, so that I don’t have regrets, going against my deathly shyness and talking with f’n everybody at work so that I have contacts of some kind.  Even if I don’t have any feelings, I know that I will regret later my actions if I do not do the right thing.  This is not the same thing as a full complete conscience.  When I had a conscience, then in that very situation, I would feel that I wanted to do the right thing, not just worrying about consequences in the nonexistent future.  Now it’s just, go ahead and do it now so you don’t regret it later.  That’s not a conscience.  A conscience is, do the right thing right now, aren’t you already feeling guilty because you are not doing the right thing?  ..*your instincts are damaged and shattered and broken, and your instincts are linked to your soul, (even though they are at opposite ends of the spectrum of the mental emotional psychological).  That is why your soul has been cored out of you, like an apple corer.  Eh, no, that’s just a weird simile.  ((A better one is, there are three thick sizable formidable books there, in a stack on top of each other, suspended in air. the bottom most endearing rock one has simply been removed, and the pages and leaves and pieces are all ripped up and smashed up and broken and thrown on the floor.))  You were able to fall in love, though, which is odd.  You did not have intact instinct or a whole healthy soul, and that is because of this person, mind you, but you did fall in love with someone.  So, is it that this is the theory — I lost my instincts and my agape uplifted soul, and that is because of this person.  So, because this got damaged because of that person, that is why I still had the ability to fall in love even though I had key components of love and soul torn away from me.  because it is the same person therefore it is possible to fall in love only with that same person.  because then in theory I wouldn’t need those key components of the soul to fall in love with the person who tore those away from me.
Well if it’s that bad, then why do I feel like it’s actual fallen in love, and not some ripped, torn, damaged mutant?  It is love, love is love.  And if I love him, then I have to keep him in my life.  But what about my damaged soul and instinct?  I need those back, too.

So I have to choose.  Him or me? Actually this was my big dilemma dichotomy a few months ago.  Now I have to follow through, I guess, with the magic crap I had enacted because I guess I have no choice.  So if that one works, then it better be working.  I need to summarize how this past years is psychological torment
And I need to purge all my feelings for bkuw.  because unfortunately, unintended effect of all this immigration dishonesty and sneakiness that they committed on their side, including getting my in their good graces, they made me fall in love so that I would agree to keep the commitment going strong until they had his immigration.  The unintended effect of all this was, that I did fall in love.  And I still feel that love from time to time now, even though I know in my head, I know realistically we should not get back together, it would put my safety in danger.  I need to just pour my heart out, I need to just pour all my feelings out on the table.  So that I can have a purge and cathartic thing, so that I can get all that done and out of my system, so that I can move on.
Psychological torment –forced to marry against screaming instincts disgusted repulsed by this guy; fell deeply emotionally in love still anyway and the guy turned out to be really good and sweet and wonderful and there was an inkling of a chance it might work; the magic I think did this next part — or the magic just turned him into his true self he revealed his true self, he threw me out of his life and now he turned me into a “domestic violence” victim, now it turns out he was horribly evil from the beginning.

Why didn’t I get this?  One reason was that there is required the $500.00 fee first thing up front, and I did not have immediate access to $500.00, so I thought it would be easier to simply continue paying regular car insurance that would accrue the amounts somewhat more slowly, albeit it still incurs a large expense that would add up very quickly.  Then somewhat more recently I had the epiphany of the Lower State income taxes that I have not been getting returns for.  I actually was not really kicking myself in the head that much over the uninsured motorist fee.  More often and importantly, I always have been thinking, why on earth didn’t I realize that state income tax can be returned?  Even if it is possible to get retro-active returns on state income tax for previous years, there will most likely be fees charged for doing this, which are more than prohibitive.  I remember that one year just a few years ago, I had neglected to file my federal income tax simply because I had misplaced the Telefile form and was unaware that there are short, very simple paper forms that can be completed for federal income tax.  Then the following year, I proceeded to file as retro-grade for that year.  The cost for doing this was 75.00 if not more; but I needed whatever money I could get, so I did it.  But now, one problem can solve another problem, which is a far sweeter deal/reward than simply solving one problem and still having another problem hanging over your head.

Because now, it’s like we are being bleeding dry from one angle, and overloaded, too much stuff, at another angle.

I was in possession of a LSDL for three years at the 2003 half-year mark, because I had gotten my license in June or July of 2000.  Now it has been nearly six years that I have had a LSDL, and I believe it is time I were rewarded for it.  And never let anyone pursue anything legally, personally, or harass my family in any way because of it.
Car insurance companies bill customers in half-year terms, even though all terms are also referred to in monthly increments.  We were with AIG American Financial Group (or something like that) for some time, and now we are with, and have been with, Nationwide Assurance Company.  We might have been with another one at some point, not sure.  So depending on whichever car insurance companies my family were with for these half-year terms, please have them refund my family.  Have them refund us for the amount of:  whatever amount I, personally as a separate driver, cost my family for the following terms:
–                              2004 1st half      2005 1st half      2006 1st half
2003 2nd half    2004 2nd half    2005 2nd half    2006 2nd half
Basically, 2003 2nd half onward.  If they have already billed us for 2006 2nd half, which I believe they have, please make them cancel it.  If my family have already paid for it, please make the insurance company refund the money to us.  If we have sent the check but they have not deposited/cashed it yet, please have them destroy the check or return it to us and never deposit it, etc.  You get the idea.
And please make sure the state of Lower State Department of Motor Vehicles *NEVER* sends us a bill for the 500.00 fee.  Or if not the LS DMV, then whatever office or institution they employ to take care of financial matters.  My state income tax adequately suffices for this.  Have in any and all official records/documents as listed “paid” or “taken care of.”

Also, in addition, can you please keep the option open so that either one of my parents can also take advantage of this LS DMV offer of uninsured motorist fee?  This would really save us tons and tons of money.  Both of my parents probably will *not* elect to do this; it is safer and best if at least one of them retains regular car insurance.  Also because my sibling will probably be getting her/his driver’s license soon, so s/he will need to be piggybacked, included, attached onto my parent’s car insurance, much as I have been doing all these years.  It will do no good for my sibling to be the only regularly insured driver in the house, like with all the adults being on this uninsured motorist status.  Please allow my parent, if they choose to do this, to be able to receive retro-grade refunds from our car insurance companies for necessary terms, much like for me.  But please do it so that the state LS DMV does send us a bill for the $500.00 uninsured motorist fee.  Financially I guess there is no compelling reason not to, and my parent(s) would be more okay conscience-wise this way.

And as always, please protect my family so that nobody bothers us about this stuff, not legally, not violently, not personally, or any other type of harassment.  So that after it is taken care of, we never hear from the insurance companies or their representatives again.  Also, they do not send anything to a collection agency, attorney, mafia, etc., nothing.

Do you have any idea how much it hurts to realize that you were expecting things in your life to finally work out, and you think you found someone who could truly actually genuinely help you, and they told you they definitely could, and then it all turns out to be a lie?  I needed your help, you promised me you could help me, but you have not.  My family feels betrayed by me because I did this, and frankly, I understand their point.  They think I am a nut job, and frankly I feel ridiculous trying to explain to them that magic works, that magic actually does exist, blah blah blah etc.

How long is this shit supposed to take?  How long is it supposed to take for me to be able to get what I want for the custom spells?  That’s right, spellS plural, not just one spell, but two.  I had paid you to cast two supposedly very powerful full-length custom spells for me – and so far none of them have worked.  This is a joke.  If this is what the custom spells are supposed to do, just sit on its ass and not do anything, then it is a comical pathetic joke.  On your website, you have written “works together with a very prominent professor of psychic development, and the results are nothing short of miraculous.”  Ha ha, that is freakin hilarious.  Is this what you call miraculous?  A customer pays you $ four-thousand American dollars ($4000), and still can’t get results from you?  That’s right, I gave you four thousand dollars ($4000), for which I have not seen any results whatsoever,

You said I would be able to get everything very quickly.  I paid for these spells almost three months ago — and I have seen no results whatsoever.

You wrote in your email to me, that “yes you will get exactly what you want within 24-48 hours.”  But guess what.  I have not gotten ANYTHING I want.  I haven’t gotten the education I want, the med school I want, the job I want, I haven’t gotten the money I want.  I have gotten NOTHING.  The only thing that seems to be working out is my marriage that I was forced into, which by the way also was NOT originally what I wanted from the spell.  Lucky for you, this forced arranged marriage seems to be working and therefore I do not want it to be changed/affected, but just FYI it is NOT what I asked for.  It’s just that it seems to be working, so I don’t want it changed.  And FYI, I still do wish there were some way to get all the other things I asked you for other than the marriage.

So basically you stole this money from me.  You conned me.  I hate to say it, but you are a scam artist.  You do not seem any better than get-rich-quick scam things that are all over the place in a million places, you do not seem any better than a Nigerian email scam.  You promised me that the spells would work, but lo and behold, they have not.  You preyed on the fact that I was lost and scared and panicked, you took advantage of the fact that I was desperate for some solution, any solution, even one that seemed impossible.  You told me that magic was real and that you are one of the best at it.  Well, if this so-called “one of the best” can’t deliver, then I want my money back.

Please I am trying one last-ditch effort, giving you one last chance, to make all of the things happen that I paid you for and wished for.  Except for the marriage part.  I no longer want marriage to Ctih – I am happy in the marriage that I have with Bkuw, and I do not want that to change.

So please either try something else, one more thing, to make everything else happen for me.  Or give me my money back.  Please do this.  Otherwise, I might very well have to alert the FBI to investigate you because it is a lot of money.  Look, please understand my mentality as a customer.  I paid for something, but I did not get it.  If I did not get it, that’s fine, maybe I asked the wrong person for it, but in that case I expect a full refund.  If there is no way I can get my money’s worth for services I want rendered, then I want my money back – because then, I wouldn’t have what I want but at least I would not have wasted my money.  And it is a LOT of money that I gave you — I could definitely find better uses for that money, like paying back the credit card company.  Better uses than wasting it on magic that doesn’t work.

I hate the pressure.  I hate the cutting too close to the blood.  And I hate the cramming and burden of not being able to tell my husband the truth.  I hate covering up and the lies.  About my credit history, about my education, about my job, about the money I have or don’t have.  I hate not having a good truth to tell.  I hate not having any money.  I hate things tightening and screwing up further and further and tying into a closer knot, or cutting against sharp metal and constricting with blood pouring all over it because that’s how it feels.  Too much money being spent on one end and too much money being tortured dry at the other end.  This is why I contacted you.  To fix all these problems in my life.  To be able to be happy for once.  Or at least, to be in peace that there are no loose ends, no unfinished business, no constant sources of nagging and worry.  I want to be able to tell my husband everything, to talk about anything and everything that is in my head.  But unfortunately most of the stuff that is in my head has to do with the crappy dead-end hotel clerk job that I have, and my constant nagging worry that I still haven’t finished my degree, that I have no area of expertise, or at least no area that I’ve visited recently to study, and the crappy cheap-assed Indian people who own the hotel who are my bosses, and the scheduling conflicts with that one and the pizza place job.  I want to call my husband late at night on the phone and just talk and talk and talk and complain about everything all this in my head but unfortunately I can’t.  I can’t tell the guy the truth about anything.  Because I want a good truth to tell and that is why I asked you for help.  To fix all the problems in my life.  Yes I was looking for an easy solution.  Yes I was looking for an easy way out.  Yes I was looking for a magical solution to all my life’s problems.  Don’t most people?  Yes they do.  And that is exactly what I did — I looked for an easy solution to life’s problems.  And I thought I had found it.  I thought I had hit the jackpot.  I found someone who seemed to have a surefit problem-solving thing.  And who was willing to do it for me.  I could in theory learn to do it myself, but that would take way too much time and I would have to learn a new skill that is completely different from my own education/training/skill sets.  That would be very aggravating to have to learn to do it myself.  So I looked for someone who could do it for me.  And I thought I found someone who was ready and willing to fix my life for me, and all I would have to do was pay money.  You charged a lot of money, but that was fine with me.  As long as you could do it.  Sure it was very, very costly.  But if it had worked, it would have been more than worth it.  Trade four thousand US dollars, and get back more than twelve thousand.  And get back a proper college degree; and a good job that I can be proud of and that I like; and med school; and getting back all those wonderful things that my family has lost over the years that I dearly wish we had never lost.  For a moment’s peace.  For some peace of mind, that whew, breath of relief, that that problem has been taken care of.  It was for fixing my life, and that dear friends, cannot have a price put on it.  Okay, wrong, it can very easily have a price put on it.  It _should_ have a price attached to it, otherwise a person would be paying with their life, with their soul, like when a person sells their soul over to the devil so that they can have a cushy fleshy life here on earth.  That, I hope, is not what I asked for.  I did not ask to have enormous wealth and riches and sexy naked people.  I asked to reverse the negative effects that all these problems have on my life.

Before, I was okay at lying and could do it convincingly.  And it didn’t frazzle me out.  But now it’s gotten to be too much of a burden it’s too much to carry around all the time.  I swear, when was the last time I told the entire truth to anybody?  I have not told the whole truth to people at the pizza place.  They think I was working at convergys until recently.  I haven’t told them I’m married because who would believe me?  It doesn’t sound believable at all.  But it is the truth.  I haven’t told the Indian cheap crappy hotel people that I was not working at convergys until recently.  They think I was.  And also I didn’t tell them I was married because it is not believable.

And the person who is most important in my life, or should be, I have been telling the biggest lies of all.  About everything.  Huge big blocks of time and chunks of my life history, I have not been telling the truth.  He too thinks I am working at convergys and still am working there.  But no.  Up until very recently, I was unemployed; then gradually I got a job working just a few hours a week at the pizza place at the mall, then now more recently I somehow was able to get a job at the hotel and I started out being a cleaning lady a maid.  I asked for that one specifically because I thought it would pay pretty well, most hotels pay their maids pretty well, don’t they?  I thought they did but this one is so cheap it only pays minimum wage.  But they did move me up to customer service. But it really doesn’t matter because it is still not a professional job.  It’s still working at a frucking hotel.  As long as I’m working in a store, I may as well work in a store that pays well.  Let’s not pretend that working at a hotel is somehow a professional or career-good job the way that being a teacher or lab clinician is.  Dammit why won’t Aldi hire me?  I could very, very easily learn to work there, it’s a grocery store, the easiest job in the world.  Dammit I’m too old to learn any new skill sets like the hotel thing.  Grocery store is easy.  And I wouldn’t mind constantly, constantly working.  I don’t mind working hard.  If I’m being paid 10$ an hour, I will give them $10 an hour worth of work.  That’s fine with me.  And I know for a fact I will not get stressed or feel like I hate or can’t handle the job.  Because with those customers, the price is it.  It’s already set.  There is no bargaining room, no wiggle room for prices on enticing the customer.  The customer either pays or don’t.  Their choice.  It’s all set.  It’s either is or don’t.  The customer has no leverage.  They either take it or leave it.  You don’t have to work to convince the customer.  And I can be a lot more nicer to customers if I don’t have to put up with their bullshit.  I’ve seen the work that they do at Aldi.  And I could handle it very, very easily.  I’ve worked in a grocery store before.  I’ve worked in retail.  It’s the easiest job in the world.  It’s a lot of hard work, since Aldo only employs and has a few cashiers in any given store.  But it’s not difficult to understand.  It’s very easy, I could pick up on it easily enough.  It’s just cashiering, which is easy cause they don’t take checks, and stocking putting stuff on shelves and in freezer.  Which is also the easiest job in the world — all you do is look at what’s on the shelf and put the same stuff there behind it.  That’s it.  See, easy.
//But what’s the point of waxing eloquent if it simply DID NOT WORK?

Ms. Merks, you told me the spells would work quickly.  It has been too long and way too huge bad things have happened to me since I asked you to cast those spells.  Maybe it’s not that much time, about two months since the 1st spell, but damn, shouldn’t I have seen something by now?  Ms. Merks, I need these spells to work so that I can have a healthy normal relationship with my parents.  I trusted you.  I expected at least some of these things to happen quickly.  It would have been fine if my parents had found out about the money I spent *after* the spells came true — because then it would obviously be worth it.  But now very unfortunately, they found out about the money I spent *before* the spell results came true.  And they are convinced that you are a scam.  That’s right, that’s what they said.  They said that whomever I sent the money to must be a scam artist.  They said maybe they won’t call the police on me, but they will send the FBI to investigate you.  I don’t think they have; I doubt they will ever get around to it, but you do see my point?  That is what it must look like to them, that all I did was steal their money for selfish reasons.  Until the spell results come true and they see for a fact that I did what’s best for my family, they will not trust me.

They actually called me a peabrain and said I belong in a mental institution.  Ms. Merks, you must know that a lot of people are skeptical of psychic stuff, but dammit, if it had all come true by now, I wouldn’t be having these problems.
But like I said, I trusted you.  I made the decision to go through with this custom spell thing because — it was very, very risky getting involved with all this uncertain psychic stuff, not to mention very, very expensive — but I decided it was worth the risk and the price.  However, is it all going to come true?  Is it worth the hell I am being put through here at home?  I calculated the risk of turning my life over to you and the risk of the price, and I decided it was worth it.  But I hadn’t factored in the chance of hell breaking loose in my home because the spells would take too long.

But please don’t hurt them.  As furious and hurt and betrayed as I feel about them, I don’t want anything bad to happen to them.  Unless it’s simply to force them to jog their memories, force them to remember how horrible especially my father was, force them to remember the truth.

I do still trust you I guess, I don’t think you are a scam artist, but something in this universe is not letting me get what I want.  Geez, what the f— is the universe’s problem??!!  It’s not as if I want anything bad to happen to anyone.  All the good things I want for myself and my family, I can have them without taking anything away from anyone.  Fine, I’ll admit that I put in the 2nd custom spell that it’s okay if some people got hurt, but I included myself.  I told you to make me really sick if that’s needed for the spells to work quickly.  And I was desperate, still am.

I haven’t told my parents about the money-returning part of the spell, or the education stuff or anything.  I really can’t tell them until it comes true, because until then there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell they’ll believe me.  I would like to tell them that no, I did not just use the custom spells for selfish reasons, that I also put a hefty amount of helping out my whole family.  But I can’t because I have seen none of this.  I have seen none of the desired results.  As you well know, I can’t prove any of it until it actually happens.  Until the custom spell items come true, I can’t earn back the trust of my parents.

See what I’m saying?  It’s not just a matter of making things happen in my life.  It has now become also a matter of trust and emotion between me and my parents.  When they forced me to marry Bkuw, you would not believe how hurt and betrayed I felt towards my parents because of the whole ordeal.  Do you know how livid and furious I was at you for not making my custom spell work in time for getting rid of Bkuw?  Luckily for you, now for some reason I almost love Bkuw.

And now my parents think they are hurt and betrayed by me.  Until those spell results happen, we will not have a normal relationship.  There will be no trust, there will be no normal communication.

I don’t want my life to be kept in suspense like this.  When will my education happen?  When will my med school happen?  Who the hell am I going to be married to?  I am legally married to Bkuw now, but is the Ctih thing going to happen or not?

Here’s what I want to know.  Is this the spell’s way or your way of doing what’s best for me, keeping me with Bkuw?  (Like somehow you knew that Bkuw and I are meant to be whatever.  So I figure maybe the universe did know what it was doing when it wouldn’t let me get rid of Bkuw.)
-OR- is it simply the payment meted out to me by the universe as an exchange for the spell working exactly how I want?  I am not being sarcastic, I really want to know.  Dammit, I hate being so uncertain about my future.

You said I have to be patient.  Okay, but how patient?  Will my stuff happen a week from now?  A month from now?  Not for another 12 months?  If this stuff — my education, med school, the marriage to Ctih — won’t happen for another year, then there was no point in my getting psychic help.  I could just try to do the stuff on my own.  Maybe it won’t be successful but at least I would have saved four thousand dollars.  The reason I came to a psychic is so that events in my life would happen very quickly.  Please, Ms. Merks, I am begging you, give me some sort of time estimate.  Just give me a ballpark figure, some time range so that I can know what to expect.

Maybe a year is not that much time, but it is enough time to make an emotional investment.  I don’t want to put everything into the marriage with Bkuw, like actually trying to make it work, if this marriage is just going to dissolve in a year.  It has to be either ended right now, or we stay together forever.  Nothing in between.

So just let me know, am I going to stay with Bkuw or not?  Or am I going to get Ctih very, very soon?

So, you got your wish.  You beat me into submission and now I agree with you.
It’s Stockholm syndrome.  Identifying and agreeing with the captor.  Well, somewhat logically, that is an explanation I came up with.

How could you do this to me?  Why didn’t the custom spell work *before* I went to visit Disgusting State?  This is so unfair.  It’s not as extreme today.  But yesterday I really felt like I love Bkuw.  I know that sounds silly, like yesterday I did and today I don’t so much.
Dammit, why couldn’t the spell work *before* an emotional bond was created between me and Bkuw?
I guess when you spend time with someone in close quarters, you can’t help but grow close to them.  I am trying to think with my head and not my heart, and realize that Ctih is the more practical choice for me.  But as cliché as it sounds, I can’t deny my feelings for Bkuw.  Yes, that’s right, I feel kinda like I love Bkuw.  Jeepers, I can’t believe I just typed that.  But it’s true.  I would have to use magic to change a few minor things about him, like make his mannerisms more American-ish and relaxed, but that’s it.  Otherwise I feel that I could definitely get used to him.  And by the way, it turns out his family history is pretty up-to-standard after all, all government ministry people and teachers and all, just that no one bothered to tell me at the beginning.  (Although I still absolutely do not like the idea of just four, count em, four brothers and no sisters; and his eldest brother + especially sister-in-law still seem evil manipulative to me.  Anyway, I digress.)

Is this my punishment?  Is this what I truly have to pay for the spell, in terms of the cosmic space-time exchange?  This is as bad as being in a car accident and breaking a leg.  (Well, almost as bad because I don’t have insurance.)  Because this way, if the spell works for Ctih, I feel like I’m losing Bkuw.  I can’t believe it.  Yesterday was awful, I was actually missing Bkuw, I was missing everything.  For some reason I was missing the north; you know we’ve lived in the south so long that I consider myself a southerner now and I don’t need the north, I thought that the north was in my past and I’m over it.  But no.  For some reason I realized how much I miss being in the north.  I consoled myself by telling myself that it is not just Bkuw, that I also miss my cousins and the north in general.

Fine, fine, fine.  I’ll take Bkuw.  But please give me my med school, my already being in med school for 2nd year now, and my Major 4-yr Univ.  It has to be med school at Major 4-yr Uni Flagship, I do not want UMDDS.

Okay, look, let’s compromise.  Fine, fine, fine, alright, alright, I can keep Bkuw.  I can get used to that.  But please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase, at least let me have my med school at Major 4-yr Uni Flagship, going into second year med school remember, and my undergrad at Major 4-yr Univ, all other accomplishments, etc. — all Right Now.  You can keep the Bkuw situation the way it is if the universe absolutely insists, but please let me have my desired accomplishments — Right Now.

I need to know what direction my life is going.  Am I going to be with Bkuw or with Ctih?  Am I going to move to Disgusting State eventually (after I finish my med school in Upper State) or am I going to stay in Upper State (since Ctih lives in Lower State I could stay in UST)?  By the way, this is a really stupid problem to have.  Oh no, boo hoo, torn between two guys.  Give me a break.  Plenty of people would probably love to have this problem.  Well, actually I think it’s more important than that because this is marriage and the rest of my life I am talking about, not some stupid boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
But that’s why I contacted you.  For your help.  I need answers, I need guidance.  If the friendship/marriage spell on Ctih will not work no matter what, then that’s actually fine with me, you know.  I can be prepared to be happy with Bkuw.  But I need to know RIGHT NOW.  Do I make the emotional investment or not, is what I need to know.  Yes I am feeling emotions for Bkuw, but do I act on them — should I make the relationship work and actively pursue a genuine friendship for this marriage?
Just yesterday I was actually missing Bkuw so badly.  I truly felt we finally somehow made an emotional bond.  And I thought, “my God what have I done??” meaning, why did I ask you to do the marriage spell with Ctih.  Now that for some reason I like Bkuw, I could definitely make it work.  But I already asked you to enact the Ctih spell.  So, aaaagggggghhhhh!!  This sucks!!!!  Why do I have to like Bkuw?!  This is unfair!!  How come *after* I asked you to do the spell on Ctih, I’m finally feeling for Bkuw?!

I hate suspense.  My life has not moved forward in eight years; I can’t wait any longer.  I do not want my life to be put on hold for another year.  I haven’t gotten anything.  I haven’t completed my education, I haven’t gotten a professional job, I haven’t started on any Master degree coursework, I don’t have any money.  I need good things to happen for me.

If I am going to stay with Bkuw no matter what spell I asked you for, then please let me know NOW.  I am prepared to make the relationship work, to make us become good friends the way that a couple who care about each other should, but only if I know for a fact that we are going to stay together.  I hated him up until now, but I guess he just grew on me.  I’ve gotten used to him.
However — I can still force myself to forget about him and commit myself to Ctih — *if* I know for a fact NOW that I will have Ctih.  But again if not, if I am going to be with Bkuw, then I need to know now.  I do not want a failed marriage.  Being with Bkuw for a year until the custom spell works with Ctih — even if all the memory spells work on everyone I know, the “damage control” on those wedding guests, etc., even if Bkuw will eventually forget about being married to me and therefore it’s like this marriage didn’t exist — would still feel like a failed marriage with Bkuw.  I don’t want that kind of history.  At this point Bkuw and I have been legally married only for about a month, so it is still little enough time that it is not a huge investment.  I could go with either person, Bkuw or Ctih, and I can force myself to get used to it.  But I have to know Right Now.  I don’t want to be kept on hold for a year.  That is too much time being taken only to have that marriage disappear.  And frankly, I want to know if I can have sex with Bkuw or not.  So far I have been able to hold out on it, and Bkuw is a pretty good person because he hasn’t forced anything.  But it is a huge step.  I’ll do it only if I’m going to remain married to Bkuw until we’re dead.  If we’re going to do it, then we better both be in this marriage for the long haul.  I don’t want to do it only to have the marriage disappear after a year or so.  If the spell with Ctih works very quickly in the very, very near future, I’m talking about the next 3-4 weeks, then that’s fine; I won’t have sex because there would be no point in doing it.  But I have to know RIGHT NOW.  Not a year later.

See this is what I’m saying.  If the Bkuw marriage is going to disappear tomorrow, then it’s fine.  That marriage is over and done away with and completely disappeared, and it’s fine because I would not be doing anything with Bkuw.  So it would be like it never existed.  However, I don’t want for the spell results to finally kick in a year later from now, because that is taking too long for the spell.  It’s too much time to pretend the marriage never existed, but too little time to be a successful marriage.  I can’t have that.  I want either a successful marriage or none at all.  Nothing in between.

And please don’t tell me, “okay fine then no marriage for you at all.”  I really want to be married.  But I need to know right now who the hell with.

Did you somehow already know about the emotional connection that would develop between me and Bkuw, and that’s why you purposely made the spell take so long?  Is it some fate/destiny/we-are-meant-for-each-other crap that you were able to foresee?  So that I would have to get used to the idea of being married to Bkuw?  So that I would think twice about my request?  But if you did, then it was day or two late.  Because I told you, okay go ahead with the force-marriage spell on Ctih, and then *after* that a few days later is when I started to feel that for some reason I do love Bkuw.  Cripes, I can’t believe I just typed that.  But yeah, I guess it’s true.
Or is the spell just taking this long automatically?  I hate not knowing what’s going to happen to me!  Everyone hates being kept in suspense.

I got all of your info. Please be patient. Everything is in the works for you You.

Lunda Merks

Please remember that with my custom spells, all the times whenever I write Bkuw + his family, I mean to include all his friends as well.  So it should be Bkuw + his family + friends.  Basically, all the people he hangs out with should be included in the memory spells, banishment spells, etc.  This way it is as merciful to him as possible.

Thanks,

Me

Do I have to do something do make the spells work to completion?  A lot of the things that I want to happen, is basically stuff that would have to arrive in the mail.  Such as all the money returned, and my university degree, and the acceptance package from the med school, etc., etc.  So for the spell to work, do I have to physically go to all these places to pick up my things?  Should I not wait for it to arrive in the mail?  What do I have to do to make it work??!!  I wanted you to be very brutal in everything, to make it happen quickly.  I used that word a million times “brutal.”  I even said it would be okay if I had to get sick or something for all the spell items to work quickly, if that is needed for the cosmic exchange-type deal.
PLEASE tell me, anything.

When I first asked you about doing a second custom spell for me, after I finally quit whining about the first one.  In your reply email to me, you wrote that I would get exactly what I want in 24-48 hours.  But by the time 24-48 hours had passed since you started the spell, nothing had happened yet!!
Okay, realistically, I knew that all of it would not happen in 24-48 hours.  I asked for a lot of really huge things, major issues in life, so I knew it would not all happen in only a few days.  But shouldn’t I have seen at least something?  Just one or two things happen?  It has been almost two weeks since you started my custom spell, and I have seen nothing.  Nothing, no results.  G–damn that money spell is making me want to scream.  All together, I have actually asked three different spell workings to get that money back for my family.  It was in the first custom spell from you, then I asked that other psychic to do it, then it was in the second custom spell from you.  Geez, how f’n hard is it for me to get back that money??!!

Did my immediate family somehow already receive all these custom spell things but they are holding out on me?  Like, they did receive all the stuff but they are keeping it a secret from me for some sick reason?  I haven’t told you, but recently I’ve started to think that maybe Bkuw + his family are not using psychic magic help after all.  I don’t know why, but my suspicion has died down.  That either means it is working on me finally, or that they really are not using magic.  However if they are in fact using magic help, that would explain why my family might have actually received all the stuff and have not told me.

Damn!  And it does not seem that the memory spell of the first custom spell has worked at all.  It obviously hasn’t.  And that G–damned banishment spell, which I wanted you to be very brutal and forceful in working, certainly hasn’t worked because guess what — Bkuw + his family are still in my life.

I have seen one tiny bit of evidence that my custom spell might be working:  the citizenship Bureau has reopened my case, and I am eligible for citizenship now.  But I don’t think they returned us the money that I want them to return.  So it could be just a regular thing, because I really did request a reopening of my case.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Anyway, regarding the marriage that I wish *would* happen of myself to Ctih.  This is the portion of the spell that I wanted to wait on before proceeding.  I would like you to please go ahead now and enact that part of my custom spell.  Basically finish and complete my whole entire custom spell.  Yes please go ahead and do it, because with any luck, if I ask you to do it now, it will happen in early 2015.  (Roll eyes.)  I’m sorry.  I’m not really mad at you, I’m just frustrated with everything bad happening in my life.  I’m frustrated that no matter what I try, I cannot seem to be able to fix my life and make good things happen.  And I recently heard of another marriage happening (not Ctih’s thank God), and it filled me with the same panic and jealousy that I had mentioned before.  Now I think I better do it quick before Ctih’s family finds some other girl for him.

However this gets into the whole everyone-we-know-outside-my-immed-family-needs-to-forget-about-Bkuw thing.  And the whole everyone-we-know-outside-my-immed-family-needs-to-think-I-am-in-med-school thing.  These things, especially the “no-Bkuw” thing, MUST happen so that the Ctih and family marriage can happen for me.  Christ.  But if there is just no-way-no-how that those things can happen quickly, then please go ahead and just do the marriage of me to Ctih.  It will look extremely weird to everyone that I’m already supposedly married but here I am getting married again.  But, sigh, I’ll figure the rest out later.  Hopefully those things will work eventually since they were included in the spell.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

I was forced to go to Disgusting State to visit Bkuw.  It was certainly not because I wanted to go.  Ms. Merks, please, why didn’t you do anything to stop me from going?  I asked you that if the banishment spell wouldn’t work in time, then make me very, very sick so that my family would be forced to keep me at home and cancel the trip.  Sigh.  Come travel day, I was in perfect health, and everyone was woken up on time so there was no way of my missing the flight.  Geez you could have done something.  Could have been anything.  Cancel the flight because of bad weather, the pilot falls sick, anything.  Anything could have been done to make sure I couldn’t go to Disgusting State.  But it went off without a hitch, without a glitch.  There were no problems with me going to Disgusting State.  No.  Problems.  What.  So.  Ever.  There were no problems with the flight, with the weather, nothing.  The perfect conditions infuriated me, they made a mockery of my feelings.  Hell, the planes arrived at each segment destination *early.*  What the hell was the deal with that?!

And yet on my flight back home, the both flight segments were delayed by a few minutes, it started raining while the plane was still in the air in Big Nearby City.  Couldn’t any of these things have happened on the destination flight?  Why the hell did they only happen on the return flight?

Only one so-called “good thing” came about because of my going to Disgusting State.  I was distracted from my goals.  If ever there is some psycho sicko out there who actually thinks that is a good thing, then there you go, it was a good thing.  I was not sitting at home driving myself crazy wondering and worrying how come my spells haven’t worked yet.  Instead I was distracted visiting my aunt and uncle’s house (well, okay, that part seeing my cousins was a lot of fun), and being generally disgusted and culture-shocked by the drastic difference between Lower State and Disgusting State.

Actually, I honestly don’t think this has anything to do with you.  But how come every time I ask you to do something for me, to help me in my life and fix my life — the exact opposite happens?  I asked you to make sure the wedding does not happen, to change Bkuw + his family’s memories — and I was forced to marry him.  I asked you to make sure I could not go to Disgusting State — and not only did the flight and everything work perfectly, I arrived there without a hitch no matter how hard I tried to make a hitch, but far far worse than that, is that at some point I developed an extreme lust for him.  And somewhat of a friendship.  Realistically, I knew it was just lust — I could tell it was not love.  I know what actual love feels like, and this wasn’t it.  I have always been very good at discerning my feelings; even way back in high school I knew that when I liked a boy it was simply a crush, certainly was not “in love with” anyone.  And I still am very good at gauging my feelings.  I knew it was simply lust that I felt for Bkuw.  I even told my cousin, “This is just the lust talking, but Bkuw looks damn good right about now.”  And just like I predicted, the lust subsided after a few days.  Bkuw does not know about the lust, because we didn’t do anything the whole entire time.  I have pretty good self-restraint when I want.  The lust did eventually affect me a little bit because I did kiss Bkuw.  But that’s it.  Nothing else.  But why the f’n hell did the lust even come about?

Man, what the hell is this hold that Bkuw has on my life, that no matter how much psychic help I try to get, nothing works?  I don’t know why this is — I am unable to get anything done.  Man, nothing else in my life has happened so forcefully and quickly and unnervingly.  Nothing *good* has happened suddenly, such as my education, med school, my writing articles that I wish had gotten published.  The only one thing that happened unexpectedly, an unpleasant surprise (not a good thing) too suddenly is the marriage to Bkuw.  Why the hell is that?  What is it that is so powerful compressing my life that even you Ms. Merks are not able to fix it??  I asked to get sick so that I would be forced not to be able to go to Disgusting State to visit Bkuw, but there I was, in perfect health for the whole entire travel.  I wanted to get sick so that I would have been forced not to go to Big Middle City to marry Bkuw, but I was in perfect health the whole entire time.  Why the hell is that?  Why am I in fine working condition *ONLY* when it comes to matters of Bkuw, but in a real shithole when it comes to matters of making my life truly better?

I am trying not to be all over the map in my feelings for Bkuw.  I do not love him, I don’t think I ever will.  But at this point, I guess I would consider him a friend.  I still do not have that genuine emotional friendship-connection that I had written of Ctih.  But I have seen that Bkuw is a good person.  And this is just the lust talking, but he does have gorgeous bee-stung Cupid’s bow lips.  He’s going to make some girl really happy some day.  That girl just isn’t me.  He deserves a girl who appreciates him, which I do not, and he deserves much better than that.  There are some girls who live in the Disgusting State/New York area, any of whom would be perfect for him.  He does not need memories of a few weeks of a failed marriage; he does not need any memories of us spending any time together.  Therefore the first custom spell in which I asked you to make Bkuw + his family’s memories of the marriage — and everything after that — disappear will simply have to work at some point — to be merciful to Bkuw.